What's in Jack Bauer's Bag? (ZT)
What's In Jack Bauer's Bag?
by Jamie Chisholm (chisholm@barstoolsports.com)
(Editor’s Note) This is a web only article but I just wanted to give people
a taste of what you’re missing at www.barstoolsports.com. We now feature
daily web only articles that don’t appear in the hard copy version of Barstool
Sports. Now that we’ve wet our beak with print media we’re looking for
total world domination.
Jack Bauer's bag terrifies me. Since the newest season of 24 kicked off,
Jack has unleashed his typical level of death and maiming, often armed with
only his over-the-shoulder messenger bag. The bag never leaves his side.
In fact, if the mystery of Jack's bag was a logic question on the LSAT's
it would go something like this: Jack Bauer's bag never leaves his side.
Jack Bauer kills people. Therefore, Jack Bauer's bag kills people.
But what exactly is in Jack's bag? That mysterious bag has enabled Jack to
single-handedly throttle the plans of an international terrorist organization
with seemingly unlimited resources and manpower. After countless hours of
research, I have unraveled the mystery of what Jack keeps in his jaunty
over-the-shoulder number that enables him to fight a one man battle against
global terrorism. Here is the invoice from Jack's bag.
? Three vials of sodium pentothal
? Chase's other arm- there is no way that Jack was unaware that Chase broke
Kim's heart. Jack always gets his revenge.
? Copy of CTU Distress Codes (2004 Edition)
? Three Cruise missiles
? Four pairs of flexicuffs
? Sun Tzu's The Art of War
? Medieval Iron Maiden
? Pair of pearl-handled Colt revolvers
? Habib Marwan's heart
? Sunglasses
? Cell phone and PDA chargers
? Band-Aids
? Swiss Army knife
? Box of Powerbars
? Two Fruit Punch Gatorades
? Change of underwear
? Schematics of every building in Los Angeles
? Two claymore anti-personal mines
? Driver's License, Helicopter Pilot's License, Airplane Pilot's License,
SCUBA certification card, CPR certification card, Frequent Finagler card
? Bamboo shoots (for torture)
? Branding irons (for torture)
? Three pints of type sensitive blood
? iPod
? Kim's senior portrait from high school
? Approximately 17,000 9mm bullets
? Flare gun
? Night vision goggles
? Centrum A-Zinc vitamins
? Copy of Barstool Sports
? Arab-English dictionary, Spanish-English dictionary, Farsi-English dictionary
, Russian-English dictionary
? Heroin
? Mass Card for Edgar's wake
? Hit List
? Picture of him and Tony Almeida performing "Love Is a Battlefield" at CTU
: Los Angeles' Annual Karaoke Christmas Party
? Business Cards
? Pepper Spray
? AK-47
? Altoids
? Gas Mask
? EpiPen
? Ticket for year long vacation, flight leaves tomorrow at 8:30 AM
from http://www.barstoolsports.com/
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